The Quiet Shift into Being Both
“Do you consider yourself leaning more traditional or progressive in relationships?” I asked. Twice. He was more than likely apprehensive to “answer wrong”. It probably sounds like a trick question to most men. But we hashed it out; I teased him, he called me a “trad wife”. Two days later we met out for happy hour with another guest. He immediately grabbed the check upon its arrival, and I immediately began to argue about wanting to pay.
“And she wants to be a trad wife!” he laughed and eye-rolled to the third party.
I’ve been feeling a different kind of burden of exhaustion in recent years. I’m tired of doing it all. And the expectation to do it all. Get divorced. Find a place to live. Find a job. Keep the kids alive. Get them signed up for things. Get more jobs to survive. Do 100 loads of laundry. Be a soft, safe place for your kids. Drive them everywhere. Date. Plan for our futures. Will I ever retire? Find time to take care of myself. But don’t spend money – NEVER SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY. Choose the healthy groceries and make the meals. Why are groceries so expensive?! Be proactive. Be on guard. How can I make more money? Be more present with the kids. …when was the last time I cleaned the house?
Even typing that list, a hundred more things were added to it. It’s the mental load mother’s, and father’s, carry. Oftentimes one more than the other, so attached to it, an ongoing debate about being a “married but single parent”. But those of us who are truly solo parenting understand this hustle of life to a different degree.
“[Before divorce] I enjoyed doing things that were domestic… and divorced me, things just feel more high strung.
…and I don’t like that version of me, there I said it… I’m a lot bitchier, and I don’t like that. Because I do feel divorce took away a lot of my feminine energy and I’m living in the masculine.
What happened to… the things that made me feel like I was nesting in such a safe protective way? Now I’m in fight or flight mode way too often.”
-Nicki Marie, social influencer of Nicki Unplugged, https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWOnF02EaUN/?igsh=eDFua2d5MGlzemti
As with much of what Nicki, Unplugged likes to post about, this social media video I scrolled onto today resonated within a part deep part of me that I’ve fought to shove back down and out of the light for a some time. When I first started going through my divorce, I began hearing “you’re so strong” or “I don’t know how you do it” all the time. That made me feel a sense of pride, maybe even a part of my identity. For anyone who has heard that for themselves, there’s likely a slice of you that doesn’t want to hear it though. You never wanted to be strong, you never had a choice. There are probably lots of times you said to yourself, “how am I going to do this?!” But you just do it, and you learn to hustle hard. Not because you want to or chose to, but because you HAVE to. And the lists don’t ever have all the checkboxes completed. It is ever-compiling, factors ever-changing, risks and rewards never guaranteed. Add in a nod of experienced trauma or abuse, and you’ve successfully unlocked a Pandora’s Box level of hyper-vigilance.
While Nicki also gave a disclosure about the ages of her kids and how that may also factor into her onset of tension, I still think experiencing this season post-divorce is distinctive. Here is my take:
I think this is two fold. Yes, the kids getting older. The little bodies we once taught to cross streets and not talk to strangers are starting to get out on their own, making mistakes and learning from them without us. Now we have to face the balance of giving them independence while also feeling the worry to protect and keep them safe, and a little more at a distance. That’s a challenge for our hearts on it’s own.
BUT the fight or flight she speaks of is real. No one gets married, has a family and prepares themselves for a separation to parent their kids on their own. In what feels sudden, you shift and make a sharp pivot into this new world without choosing it. My divorce was BAD, very long, and very traumatic. For me, I developed a C-PTSD diagnosis that I have learned to become very familiar with watching and waiting for the symptoms of, so I can self-regulate and rebound. I miss my soft feminine, that I could feel safe in without looking over my shoulder. But the truth is, I’m not allowed that simplicity anymore. I’m looking over my shoulder, over each of my kids' shoulders and then mine again. The nurturer AND the protector. I’ve had to learn to be the feminine and the masculine in order to survive.
I don’t like that person very much either, especially when she’s “bitchier” as Nicki describes it. I had to reprimand my 13 year old boy last week. It’s obviously not my favorite thing, we normally get along great; talking, joking, laughing. He’s a fantastic kid. But he’s still 13, and I needed to lay a little household law down on him. He spent the rest of the day silent, retreating, and giving me the cold shoulder at every chance I was near. I finally pulled him aside and said through tears: please, give me a break. I told him I don’t like having to be the "bad cop" and the "good cop", but I have to, and it’s not fair. Once I do my job as a parent, I feel like I have to pay for it for the rest of the day without getting to be the soft place anymore. (I’m grateful to share my sweet boy understood what I was trying to say. ❤️) Houses were meant to have masculine and feminine energies, not one human trying to be both.
“What happened to… the things that made me feel like I was nesting in such a safe protective way?”
The way I see it, between preteens and divorce, our amygdala’s are constantly firing for us to survive and our children to thrive. We want to give them the best, while sometimes it’s really hard to be our best. We were never meant to do all the things and be all the people, all the time. Remember that.